I recently celebrated my first year anniversary, and I must admit, it was a blissful one. Aside from all the nuances of a new relationship, I made a friend too. Finally, I was with a person who was just as curious about the world as I was. Someone I could share my love of travel, and laughter.
Admittedly, this is my first non-toxic relationship. I know it may sound crazy, and I'm okay with that. Maya Angelou said, "When you know better, you do better." I consciously chose to be in a relationship that furthered my growth as a person, as it would his. However I must be honest, there were times when I had doubt. Questioning myself if all this was real. Was it really okay to be happy? And with no strings attached? It was a self-sabotaging behavior, caused by the stories I created in my mind surrounding fear. Because something bad had to happen, right? I think when you've felt abandoned and fought for scraps, there's still a part of you that clings to it. It's definitely something I had to check. I'm human, and letting go always has some learning curves.
Now vs. Then
I had allowed myself to become so consumed by keeping others happy in previous relationships that I never got to figure out what made Ayana happy. When I did find out, it was time to part ways. When you love yourself, I mean truly love yourself, you don't look for acceptance from other people, and you damn sure aren't willing to accept anything less than what you deserve. I made a pact with myself: to fall in love with me again. To learn what made me laugh, what made me tick, I even went to lunch alone. I didn't want to enter any new relationship with excess baggage. I knew when God brought someone my way I wanted to be ready to receive their love. I'm so blessed. I'm blessed to have had the knowledge that entering a new relationship before getting right with myself was an absolute NO.
So this first year, I learned that it was okay to love a nice guy. It was okay to not have drama. It was okay to disagree, and still coexist. It was okay to heal and send love to those that came before. It was okay to grow. When you understand you are here to co-create a life with God, you understand you are entitled to those blessings
Now I'm glowing, and all I can say is I'm happy. A relationship is a reflection of the love you have for yourself, and my happiness starts from within. Always.