I quit my job about a month ago. My last day was Friday (August 28th). I knew the job wasn't right for me when I took it, in fact, I knew I wasn't going to be happy. I wasn't the kid fresh out of college looking for an entry-level position anymore. I negotiated the salary I wanted, the hours I would work, and was the assistant to a prominent educator and entrepreneur. Ironically, I asked the Universe for a well-paying position that allowed me free weekends with my daughter, Ayo. All of that was received, however, how I would make the money, the values of the company, and the location were not clear in my plans. You must be careful what you ask for because you just may receive.
Working at this company allowed me to see another side of gratitude. The side of gratitude where you acknowledge the circumstances presented to you but you politely decline. I would like to acknowledge I was grateful that the hiring managers saw my resume, recognized my potential, and gave me an opportunity to prove myself worthy. After a two-year hiatus from being an unemployed stay-at-home-mom, then full-time grad student, this position was a godsend compared to the stories I've heard of other people not finding work. I believe affirming I would find a position that satisfied some of my needs helped me. I affirmed it until I was hired a few weeks into my search.
So why did I leave? The most honest answer I could give is it wasn't for me - it made me feel physically sick. I'm in-tuned with my body and there were blaring signs that happened that brought clarity. As a spiritual person, I understand most illnesses are related to our thoughts and feelings. I went to two different doctors to run tests on my symptoms and everything came back clear. What I was feeling was inward. I kept losing my voice, which is a sign of not using it. My life's purpose is to shed light on those on the dark. I felt very powerless and that my voice didn't matter. I experienced constant pressure about my heart that was very scary, especially since it had never happened before. According to spiritual leader and motivational author, Louise Hay, this is a sign that there is no joy. Your heart isn't in it, whatever it is. The most major of signs was extreme fatigue. It was so bad that I would drive to and from work and almost fall asleep on the road. I was in a lethargic state where I couldn't accomplish anything, including the simplest of tasks like writing, hence my posts being a month apart. Louise Hay links fatigue with boredom and resistance. It was true. Looking at the gray walls of the cubicle made me extremely bored. This is the same cubicle I ate my lunch and checked emails all day. It was frowned upon to leave for lunch and because I wasn't given a choice I grew resistant. I would only see the sun when I came in the office and left for home. It didn't feel any more productive not taking a lunch break, in fact, having the freedom to take 5 minutes for myself to enjoy another scenery or meditate would have allowed me to detach and recharge. Change was needed, which was something I had control over. My energy was low, but my faith was high...I needed time to invest in myself.
I knew I was leaving weeks before I gave my boss notice. I wanted to make sure I wasn't leaving out of spite or anger, and tried to see the benefits of staying. While there were many reasons to stay, the deciding factor was that I want to empower others through my words and actions. Sitting at a cubicle in a field far-removed from my own didn't make sense, but leaving and finding something more aligned with my passions did. Telling my boss was the most grown-up thing I've ever done. I walked into the office, shut the door and told him this wasn't for me, and while I was grateful for the position he deserved better. I said I spend my Monday's thinking about how I'll make it to Friday...I was no longer the dutiful assistant. He was more graceful than I thought he would be, and told me it took courage to do that. In that moment, I felt my power come back. We called it an amicable divorce, and looked for a more suitable person together, which we found
The moral of this story is I believe that it is my divine right to do what I love, make money, travel the world, connect with others, and heal a few souls along the way. I don't foresee debt or lack in my future, only abundance. Thank you universe for allowing me to trust my inner voice. Here's to the journey...